Sex scandals periodically burst into the media spotlight, and usually end with the conclusion that "he" (fill in the blank here: Clarence Thomas, William Kennedy Smith, Mike Tyson, Magic Johnson, Woody Allen, Bob Packwood, Hugh Grant, Dick Morris, Marv Albert, Bill Clinton, the men of "Tailhook", or of the Aberdeen Proving Ground) had a flawed character or psychological problems, and was therefore different from the rest of us men who (it is assumed) would never contemplate doing such a thing.

     Au contraire!! For most of us sex is an intense interest if not an obsession. We contemplate it every day, several times a day or more. Furthermore, many of us experience sex as lust without any requirements for emotional intimacy. If the woman is attractive enough, we don't even have to like her to have sex with her. Psychologists refer to this as "nonrelational sexuality" -- the tendency to separate sex from intimacy, view women as sex objects, and engage in sex for the purpose either of satisfying physical lust or of validating one's manhood.

     This may be the way things are for many men, but is it the way they have to be? Recent research suggests not. This research shows that the way we have traditionally raised our sons to be strong, competitive and emotionally stoic fosters nonrelational sexuality. (It also carries some other significant downsides, such as difficulty expressing one's own emotions in words and in being emotionally empathic with others, a tendency to transform feelings like hurt or sadness into rage, and a dread of emotional intimacy). This opens the door to the possibility that we could raise our sons differently, so that as adults they might experience sex as less looming, less of an every-minute obsession, and as simply a part of life and one best enjoyed in an intimate emotional relationship.

     How have we been raising our sons? First and foremost, we have tended to put up big roadblocks to prevent boys from expressing caring and connection emotions (such as fondness and affection) in the service of "toughening them up". Many men recall that their first experience with limitations on expressing these emotions occurred in the context of their relationships with their fathers, for, in the typical post-war family, hugs and kisses between father and son came to an end by the time the boy was ready to enter school. Pre-adolescent boys also get the message from their peers that it is not socially acceptable to be affectionate with their mothers (lest they be a "mama's boy"), girls (for fear of being teased by friends), or boys (where anything but a cool, buddy-type relationship with another boy can give rise to the dreaded accusation of homosexuality). Childhood experiences of this type set up powerful barriers to the overt expression of caring/connection emotions, which thus get suppressed.

     Later, in adolescence, when interest in sexuality suddenly accelerates due to the combined effects of hormones and culture, these caring and connection emotions are nowhere to be found. Rather, prevailing images in our society of females as sex objects encourage boys to view girls as vehicles for the release of their sexual urges. Acting on messages from peers and the culture at large, adolescent boys also develop the need to prove themselves as men by "scoring" with girls. As a result sexuality for boys becomes unconnected and nonrelational. In support of this view, recent research has found that only half as many men as women reported that affection for their partner was the reason for having sexual intercourse for the first time.

     The traditional way of raising boys to be tough and stoic made more sense when social conditions were harsh, such as occurred in this country from the period of industrialization through the Great Depression and the two World Wars. However in today's world emotional skills and the ability to balance ones' own perspective with that of others -- to be relational instead of nonrelational -- is vitally important. We have an opportunity to raise our sons for this new world.

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